Content warning: Mentions death (Take care of yourselves fellow death anxiety sufferers.)
I mean that title-header very personally.
The parent I had who I considered my “Good Parent” is gone, gone from my life.
Not that my other parent is terrible, but rather that my Good Parent was so wonderful.
Also not I’ve had some sort of falling out with my Good Parent, but rather that he was mortal, and that is fatal.
I wrote of it the day that he was gone:
“Greif is: no matter how many times we tell someone we love them, and we know they knew it, the immense hurt when we are no longer able to tell them that. Not for lack of loving them, but for lack of them.“
It’s fathers day, and I miss my father. This is the first father’s day without him.
The rest of this year and the beginning of the next will be a stream of this. Missing him and realizing I have yet another first X,Y,Z without him.
In fact the rest of my life will be that, since I will keep doing new things, from now until some indeterminate date, and they will all have be things without him.
Of course he’ll be in my heart, and he will be in the habits I learned from him, like the way I cook, and he’ll be in all the things he shared with me.
Like the books he got me to read, and the shows he got me to watch. Including the ones he told me I should read and watch, which I haven’t yet gotten to, but I’ll think of him when I do. Even the things I know he would have liked because of what he already enjoyed.
Always in little bits of my life, and my mind, which will continue to be full of the ways he has impacted me, even when I stop keeping conscious track of them.
Loving someone can and does continue after they are gone, but in the wake of their presence becoming absence, that love will shake you.
It becomes a thunderstorm in your heart.
Eventually it will patter out and your love becomes healing rains, with breaks for rainbows.
Reminding you of all the beauty that person brought to your life, growing new appreciations for things that they gave to you. Rosying the memories.
I’m not there yet, this is still fresh. I’ll get there eventually.
In the mean time, I’ll weather this heartstorm that is grief.
Have you ever had to cope with losing someone you love dearly?
Coping is different for everyone, but, how did/do you cope?