Not thinking very well at the moment, I keep getting up and checking the window to see if my husband is home yet.
Apparently even having my mother over is too much for him, he went out shopping (which he hates and normally never does, sometimes he’ll even sit in the car and get me to go into the shop without him.) and then as soon as he came home, she was still here (It happens that I was in the process of trying to get her out the door and she left less than five minutes later) but he went out again immediately, and this time didn’t say where.
It shouldn’t be important, but I’m not really an average person about these things.
Being alone is stressful for me.
Uncertainty is stressful for me.
Worrying he’s mad at me for letting my mother into his space so that he couldn’t relax is stressful for me.
Probably next time I’ll either just go for a walk with her, or do what I’ve been doing for the last six months and try to let her conclude whatever she has to say to me at the door…
Because I had been doing that I hadn’t realized this would be an issue, having her over for an hour. Apparently it was though. Not that he said anything, but he doesn’t need to, this is just out of character.
Now every door shutting or slamming in my building is making me flinch and/or get up and check the window again. Again. Again…
There’s all these ifs, and there are no answers, not yet at least.
It should be unimportant, all unimportant, I should be completely sure he’ll come back because he has no reason not to, but I’m not as sure as I should be.
I do feel the extreme things are unlikely because his emotional state should be more stable than that, but it’s still crossing my mind, it’s still worrying me, it’s still overwhelming.
I’ve been having a shitty week anyways, and apparently he must be too. For such little things to set us off.
Now I’ve brought extra stress into the mix, and I knew, I *know*, he finds her stressful to be around. But I didn’t think much of it because I thought it’d only be a short while, and we were actually having an okay conversation, not fighting at all today.
Doesn’t matter to him I guess; when he experiences frustration, he just deals with, by himself.
That should be find. Would be fine.
But I’m less okay with this not knowing than with never letting my mother into our house. Or with kicking her out as soon as he’s feeling ‘done’. Even if that’s as soon as she’s around.
He’s probably trying to just let me visit my mother. But I’d rather not visit with my mother and thereby not have this stress, rather than the other way round; and I didn’t realize it was a trade off or wouldn’t have picked this option.
Let me pick the other one, please let me pick.
What should I do to distract myself?
Ahhhggg, I don’t want a shower because then I can’t hear the car and I’ll stress out more, I can’t find my pencils so I don’t want to draw, I can’t find my book — I clearly need to make that cope box, so I have these things at hand.
Chewing gum and listening to music, but I feel like I need to hear, so I can’t just absorb myself in it without causing extra stress.
Well at least chewing gum then.
Bleh, keep writing maybe?
I’ve mostly run out of things to write about the situation, and I still can’t think, and he’s still not here, and I’m still not calm.
Where does one go at this point?
There isn’t exactly any escalation or deescalation, except the clock, and it’s impassive.
Everything is just waiting, more waiting, STILL waiting.
Maybe I’ll just write about the experience of things like this.
Not necessarily entirely just this experience, though right now I feel like all this applies.Normally I’m okay with waiting, I have patience when I know what’s going on.
Even if I don’t like it I can wait things out.
Face the fear of the unknown, the unknowable.
They are useless fears, and shouldn’t happen over things that shouldn’t be important.
Facing them should also make things easier, proving that things rarely go so wrong that they can’t be fixed, but that has never been the lesson I’ve learned, and during the facing them down things only ever seems worse, not better.
(After thought: but it has gotten better over time. I don’t think it will ever be easy.)
This isn’t like exposure to a finite thing, it’s exposure to the range of human possible reactions, and not even getting to see the odds of what will happen.
All closed doors and locked windows painted grey.
At this point I know most of his possible reactions, and I know he’s likely to come home soon, with soon being relative.
Ah, good, no more waiting. good. better. *sigh* 2 hours.
Once it’s over fortunately the after effects aren’t so bad.
The primary things fade, though some things linger.
Shakey hands, unsteady gait, a slightly disjointed urge to cry, tight throat, dizziness persists.
The tight chest subsides slowly, the aching and cold extremities fade but don’t quite go away, a headache starts where the mental pressure felt like it was building, but it will all fade out in a little while.
I am okay.
I knew I was always okay, which is why I didn’t get into full blown panic.
This time, next time, every time. I’m always going to be okay.
It will hurt, but it will get better.
So this is probably one of only like 3 times I’ve tired writing as a method of distraction.
I’m not sure I like it, but it’s… interesting, and nothing I wrote was untrue.
I think worriedly, but I still think of all the options even if the terrible ones come up I do actually, even in my panic, remember that they are less likely.
So there you go, a brief foray into my anxiety when alone unexpectedly, apparently I struggle to do anything. Because I put the groceries away in a haze and went through a list of things I could do and didn’t want to do any of them.
(well what is for me brief, instances where I have to be in that state for 4 hours or more and I get a lot more loopy)
Suggestions for what do so while trying to wait out waiting (yes I know that sounds odd, but think about it and it does make sense) are appreciated.
Now that I’m calmer I’m going to start compiling that list of things to put in my cope box, and look up more suggestions for it. 🙂