I often can draw even when I can’t do anything else… and if I can do even one more thing, then the next thing I get back is my ability to write my thoughts down.
…For some reason this has been eluding me these last two weeks. I have started new posts, with new thoughts in my head more than a dozen times this month. Sometimes twice in a single day I’ll have a thought and want to put it down, and then I’ll either get scared off from doing it. (just by my own mind mostly. Sometimes it’s a valid worry what other people will think.)
I have managed the thing which is usually third, but apparently can sometimes come second, and that’s reading.
I’ve been reading and reading and reading.
Notably some Terry Pratchett (as per my goals list), a whole lot of news articles, and also a lot of blogs.
Visible versions of peoples thoughts, that is writing.
I enjoy seeing what other people think. Sometimes examining it, and in some cases noting the merits or deficits.
On topics I’ve already given thought to, I’ve noticed that there will be instances where someone has overlooked something I consider crucial… sometimes that’s just because they don’t care about that part.
I’ve thought about a lot things lately, and not in a willy nilly sense but deeply and with an attempt to form my own opinions and conclusions; of course that’s partly why I have been so interested in writing this month
I’ve thought about dreams and the term “eyelid movies” from the shadowrun book “House of the Sun”; and about the experience of anxiety as my veins turn to ice while my skin boils; also about cats and other pets and what it means for them to be homed or not; and about the awful horrors of turning even just a living room upside-down because of an unexpected bug infestation; I’ve pondered on being paralyzed by looking at real concerns magnified overwhelmingly; I’ve been considering my physical health and level of exercise; and I’ve focused on how thoughts can be split with some oozing along at treacle speed while others zoom along like commits; and I’ve been curious about how the structures of our society are built and what it would take to dismantle all the shitty things like racism and sexism and the enshrinement of the wealth disparity; and I’ve wondered about games and how seriously that type of interaction can affect our lives both positively and negatively.
I’ve also been thinking about my mother, wanting to devote a post to poverty and mental health, with her as at least part of the focus.
My mother is an interesting an very sweet person, frequently she’s an irrational person. She gets irritable easily, and can be very hard to get along with because she doesn’t listen, making stupid mistakes.
Some people are very overwhelming to be around not because they aren’t nice, or because they are insincere, but because they require a lot of energy. That is my mother.
I’m worried about her also. There is no way around that, her life is worrying.
It’s tiring, it’s always tiring and the longer it goes on the more tiring it is… so many things this month have also been tiring, but the things which are long term are always the worst.
My emotions themselves are probably the most long term and the most draining at all.
Shifting gears and emotional states is work, time consuming and not easy. It requires a lot of distracting myself in the middle while my emotions settle themselves. Some days I don’t even have the energy for proper distractions.
It’s almost like having the emotional version of “bitch face” where your neutral state isn’t so neutral. Except this isn’t just an appearance, it’s that my emotions ‘neutral’ is unpleasant.
I still, perhaps strangely, feel quite motivated to get things done. Also, as anxious as I am, I’m still mostly in a good mood, I just wish that translated into feeling good. We’ll see, I’ll work towards it. Someday those should be synonymous.
I know can make things better. If I plan.
Maybe I can find a way to work on life and get things done which doesn’t involve expending all my energy by flinging myself at something and then being exhausted for a week, or weeks after.
And maybe having broken my silence I’ll be able to push myself into writing more, and if I do, maybe I’ll be able to work out some of the worst emotions just by putting them down and sharing them somewhere… It’s a lot of maybes, but it seems to me, like these maybes lean towards ‘yes’. Maybe. (heh)
I hope everyone else is having an interesting and not too unpleasant time. 🙂