Why is it so hard to write?

I often can draw even when I can’t do anything else… and if I can do even one more thing, then the next thing I get back is my ability to write my thoughts down.
…For some reason this has been eluding me these last two weeks. I have started new posts, with new thoughts in my head more than a dozen times this month. Sometimes twice in a single day I’ll have a thought and want to put it down, and then I’ll either get scared off from doing it. (just by my own mind mostly. Sometimes it’s a valid worry what other people will think.)
I have managed the thing which is usually third, but apparently can sometimes come second, and that’s reading.
I’ve been reading and reading and reading.
Notably some Terry Pratchett (as per my goals list), a whole lot of news articles, and also a lot of blogs.
Visible versions of peoples thoughts, that is writing.
I enjoy seeing what other people think. Sometimes examining it, and in some cases noting the merits or deficits.
On topics I’ve already given thought to, I’ve noticed that there will be instances where someone has overlooked something I consider crucial… sometimes that’s just because they don’t care about that part.

I’ve thought about a lot things lately, and not in a willy nilly sense but deeply and with an attempt to form my own opinions and conclusions; of course that’s partly why I have been so interested in writing this month

I’ve thought about dreams and the term “eyelid movies” from the shadowrun book “House of the Sun”; and about the experience of anxiety as my veins turn to ice while my skin boils; also about cats and other pets and what it means for them to be homed or not; and about the awful horrors of turning even just a living room upside-down because of an unexpected bug infestation; I’ve pondered on being paralyzed by looking at real concerns magnified overwhelmingly; I’ve been considering my physical health and level of exercise; and I’ve focused on how thoughts can be split with some oozing along at treacle speed while others zoom along like commits; and I’ve been curious about how the structures of our society are built and what it would take to dismantle all the shitty things like racism and sexism and the enshrinement of the wealth disparity; and I’ve wondered about games and how seriously that type of interaction can affect our lives both positively and negatively.

I’ve also been thinking about my mother, wanting to devote a post to poverty and mental health, with her as at least part of the focus.
My mother is an interesting an very sweet person, frequently she’s an irrational person. She gets irritable easily, and can be very hard to get along with because she doesn’t listen, making stupid mistakes.
Some people are very overwhelming to be around not because they aren’t nice, or because they are insincere, but because they require a lot of energy. That is my mother.
I’m worried about her also. There is no way around that, her life is worrying.

It’s tiring, it’s always tiring and the longer it goes on the more tiring it is… so many things this month have also been tiring, but the things which are long term are always the worst.
My emotions themselves are probably the most long term and the most draining at all.
Shifting gears and emotional states is work, time consuming and not easy. It requires a lot of distracting myself in the middle while my emotions settle themselves. Some days I don’t even have the energy for proper distractions.

It’s almost like having the emotional version of “bitch face” where your neutral state isn’t so neutral. Except this isn’t just an appearance, it’s that my emotions ‘neutral’ is unpleasant.

I still, perhaps strangely, feel quite motivated to get things done. Also, as anxious as I am, I’m still mostly in a good mood, I just wish that translated into feeling good. We’ll see, I’ll work towards it. Someday those should be synonymous.
I know can make things better. If I plan.
Maybe I can find a way to work on life and get things done which doesn’t involve expending all my energy by flinging myself at something and then being exhausted for a week, or weeks after.
And maybe having broken my silence I’ll be able to push myself into writing more, and if I do, maybe I’ll be able to work out some of the worst emotions just by putting them down and sharing them somewhere… It’s a lot of maybes, but it seems to me, like these maybes lean towards ‘yes’. Maybe. (heh)

I hope everyone else is having an interesting and not too unpleasant time. 🙂

Advertisements

11 thoughts on “Why is it so hard to write?

  1. Hiya! Just thought I’d drop by for one of our customary rambles 🙂
    I loved your list of things you’ve been thinking about. Speaking of dismantling society’s structures, I’ve just re-read Ursula Le Guinn’s “Dispossessed”. You might really like it! I won’t put any spoilers here, but if you’re interested in what a society which has tried to dismantle sexism etc looks like from inside and out, it’s an interesting text.
    One thing I’ve been thinking about recently is human freedom. I put down a few ideas here http://dysthymiabree.com/2014/01/17/depression-and-freedom/ Would love to hear your thoughts, if you feel so inclined.
    Not much else to report. We’ve just come through a horrific heatwave – temperatures of 44 degrees Celcius (111 Fahrenheit) – I didn’t think we’d need a place with airconditioning when we moved to Melbourne (which is generally a cooler city than the place we used to live) but turns out I was wrong!!! Bloody climate change. So I sort of feel like my brain’s beginning to be switched on again, after a week of being turned to porridge by the heat. The dearly beloved and I were just saying, though, that we’re going to take it easy today, give ourselves a day to recover. It’s hard to sleep properly when the ambient temperature is 29 degrees Celsius and you can’t make your home any cooler.
    Here endeth the ramble. 🙂

    • Yosh!
      Ah, I will definitely give that a read. It sounds like it is right up my alley. Ursula K LeGuinn is one of mine and my Dad’s favourite authors anyways, so I grew up with the wizard of earth sea, and also ‘the left hand of darkness’ though I need to reread it. I quite enjoy her works. (though the trouble is with my Dad liking her so much, he never passes on her books when he gets them. haha -He rereads them.)

      Oh I love spoilers! Though unfortunately it seems like most of the world is opposed to them.
      I have a thing about stories, and this is it: If I can’t know everything that’s going to happen fully spoiled, for a movie or a book, and still enjoy reading or watching it, then it wasn’t worth it.
      If the experience is based only on the unexpected (like plot twists) then it’s a very shallow experience indeed. It is all the other elements, the characters themselves fleshed out, the conversations they have, the aspects of the world that the author/director help the reader/watcher to see, and perhaps compare to other things by their portrayal. Those are the things which really make or break a book/movie.
      But I’m weird, I know this. Basically it’s a measure of rewatch/reread-ability, because I want to most of my consumed media to be things that, if they are worth watching once they are worth watching 10 times.
      Every once in a while there’s nothing wrong with a cheap thrill.

      I’m always keen to see your thoughts, I’ll give your post a read and see if I can shamble my ambling thoughts into something coherent for you. 🙂

      Oh my! Uhhg, heat. Well I’m glad your brain is getting back up to speed, and sorry that it was ever overheated to begin with. Heat makes me feel brain dead as well.
      I’m glad it’s winter here right now. It’s not very cold though. Example: I’ve been keeping my milk on the porch to have some extra room in my very tiny fridge, and it’s not dropped below zero since before christmas (and usually January is colder than December, here) so I’ve never had to deal with frozen milk. Fridges are on average between 2 and 6 degrees C, and the milk has always felt like it’s been about fridge temp even if I have a bowl of cereal at 4am. We *should* be frozen! At least over-night. Damn global warming is right.
      I’m not looking forward to how hot the summer is going to be. I don’t function above 27 degrees C, and it’s been 30-37 the last few years.

      Oh, as to your PS, Glad to meet another orange lover, most people seem to like apples better. I adore oranges. ADORE! I could eat them every day. You have my ‘harsh envy’ for the having relatives who grew them, I’m presuming that it meant you got to pick them right off the trees when you visited. XD Perhaps it wasn’t nearly so glamorous as I’m picturing.
      I’d love to grow a little orange tree of my own, I’d need a mini green house though, because we lack the amount of light needed for even most indoor oranges. :3

      • To add to your envy: mum’s family had a large-ish “block” (as citrus farms are called) and grew not only naval oranges but also valencias, and mandarins, lemons, tangerines and probably some other varieties I can’t remember right now! 🙂
        It was quite interesting. The land was allocated to returned veterans from one of the World Wars (can’t remember which one) which is how it ended up in Mum’s family. Mum’s mum, my maternal grandmother, married twice: the first time for love, and the second time (my grandfather) I suspect pretty much because it was the done thing. He certainly loved her, but I’m not sure she returned the favour. It was with this Grandpa that the farm was started. Of course, it was not good land the government gave to returned servicemen: basically, it was on the fringes of the desert, and needed to be irrigated with water from the Murray River. Grannie went into the marriage with money, but it all got used up. Things weren’t helped much when the family home was burned down one night, but Grandpa built a new home at the other end of the block, and it was filled with ingenious little features such as a tiny door next to the hearth so you didn’t have to carry firewood through the house – you could just put it into the wall cavity.
        The farm is gone now – sold in a scandalous act by one of my uncles, probably at the behest of his evil wife, who kept all the money from the sale and put my grandmother into a dodgy nursing home – but I will always remember the scent of hot air, orange blossom and wisteria.

  2. I love that your posts are peppered heavily with your philosophies. And your intelligence bleeds through in everything you write. It makes me stop, think, read again, think more- pause- that’s when I know I’ve stumbled upon an interesting mind. Because it makes me turn things over and around and question my own life, objectives, etc. and that’s the way it should be! That’s how great change comes about, and progression. And I love the word wisteria. That would make a great band name. ;0)

    I ADORE oranges, but especially clementines and tangerines. xo

    • Well I’m glad if I can be a part of that, although I think that’s more you than me, but every little bit helps.
      I love the process of learning things and change in the mind. (I mean change in general is awesome to observe, but changing thoughts is somehow particularily neat because it can’t be directly observed except through secondary means like statements or behaviours)
      Little tiny bit of information all adding together until you have a sort of coalessing of thoughts, and sometimes when it’s a big tic over all at once: Boom! Paradigm shift.

      I’m cruddy at the telling people I like the cut of their jib, so pre-statement-apologies, but I’ve been reading through your posts, they are awesome!
      Causal, yet so candid. I feel like there’s a lot I can learn from you and your experiences.
      You’ve got a lot to say, and I enjoy reading you say it. 😀

      Orange lover unite?/(!) Mandarins for me (I know so typical, but they are so delicious) – my favourite are those little baby honey mandarins. OhmygoodnessSOgood!
      If you haven’t given those a go I strongly suggest them. ^_^

      • Oh crap! I forgot the mandarins! But I feel so ripped off because I’ve only had the canned ones. (With whipped cream, which, didn’t hurt them any. ;0)

        coalessing << Dang. That's another great word; I need to get my notebook out.

        Ok, I just Googled it because: a.) I'm Type A like that and b.) I have no idea what it means although it's super awesome sounding.

        It's actually spelled coalescing. I know that because: a) I'm Type A like that and b) I just Googled it. ;0)

        But I'm writing that one down because I'll be using it soon (in one of my school essays to impress my Abnormal Psychology professor).

        Off the subject but I've always had a thing for the word naranja, which (you may already know) is Spanish for "orange". No idea why I've always had a thing for that word! I can see how it's played its role in destiny, though, and now it all makes sense.

        (You should probably know that I'm a bit of a wise-gal and am kidding around more times than not. ;0) Sometimes it comes across as sheer genius. Sometimes not. Haa…

        Pleasure chatting with you. 🙂

    • Only canned? Oh that’s almost unthinkable to me. I used to look forward gleefully to christmas time when we’d always have fresh mandarins. They are very similar to clementines though, so you aren’t missing much.

      LOL! I don’t mind, spelling corrections are useful, they help me learn. Spelling is not my in my purview thanks to dyslexia. XP
      I know many words, but I can’t spell (or say) them all. Hehehe

      Spanish is a language I know almost nothing of, so I not only didn’t know it, I’m gonna have to google how to say it. XD
      Oh that’s lovely. I’d have to try and listen quite a bit before I could pronounce it, but I like it. Thank you! 😀

      I like the sound of many words, but because of the way my brain works, they’ve all run off and deserted me since I’m trying to talk about them. Go figure.

      (It’s alright, I’m rather a goose myself. DysthymiaBree has a similar sense of humor if you don’t follow her, I think she’s a right riot. 😉 )

      • Oh I’ll have to check her out, thanks. :0) Most of my friends are OCD, ADHD, suicidal, brilliant, sad, mad, unbelievably awesome, “broken” (and these are the ones with promise!) and then there are the really strange ones. I prefer the latter, actually, and, a lot of my friends are mad geniuses (artists from various countries) who are a combination of the former (‘broken”) and the latter, really strange. I love them all! And, I learn from them always that life is beautiful. She sounds like she’s right up my alley!

        And purview- I love it! (See, no idea what it is.) I’m too lazy to Google that one though and, I have fried rice that I’m cooking on the stove. By the way, I’m dyslexic too. Isn’t it taerG? (I feel your pain.) Except, your word arsenal is MUCH better than my own. I can definitely learn a lot from you (and shall).

        Nah-ron-ha (Naranja), but if you want to get technical- nah-don-ha, but you have to let the “don” roll off your tongue as if you’re saying, “not on”. Ok, I’m officially sending myself away because I’m simultaneously giving you Spanish pronunciation tips and annoying myself to no end now.

        Hope your night is a good one! I’ll be sure to check out Dysythmiabree and let her know that I followed your bread crumbs. (Upon a quick glance, I like her already. She mentioned the psych ward, of which I am no virgin! Six times over…the stories I could tell and just may some day. ;0) x

    • Ah see, I think this means we’re likely to get on quite well. I have a fondness for slightly broken yet all over awesome people. XD

      Well no rush. I’m one of those who picks up (and sometimes drops off) conversations (especially on the net, but also IRL) without real concern about the time at which they are happening.
      Purview is like “scope” or “range” btw. 🙂 (In case you see this before you google it ;P)

      Also loving the Spanish tips, I am a language fan. I love learning new things about languages, and the chance to learn little tidbits about them is wroth it’s happiness. (Which although not technically heavy, if barter-able would in theory be worth a lot. Heh)
      Do you speak Spanish then? Or perhaps just dabble?

      😀 Good-good.
      I’m not at all ashamed to say she’s probably my favourite blogger on here.
      Easy to talk to, and very knowledgeable. :3

Share Your Thoughts...

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s