When I decided I wanted to write three posts, and what I wanted the topic of each to be, I didn’t realize this would result in stalling.
Once I have a “goal” specifically in mind that sometimes motivates me to jump and get things done.
Sometimes it demotivates me (mostly the latter only comes up when I didn’t set the goal myself)…
This time, it didn’t really do either, I just sort of sat in the middle of my thoughts, and let them wash against me like waves of emotion, but couldn’t seem to find more than broken sentences.
Most of these thoughts are/were good by the way, because I had decided I wanted write only positive things about him. (Him being my husband who I had decided I’d write one of the posts about)
The result is just that I’ve been feeling close to my spouse, and it has also resulted in my being motivated to be extra nice to him.
I’ve washed and folded all the dirty clothes, so that he hasn’t had to. I’ve been motivated to prepare nice meals, especially ones I know he likes.
I’ve trying to push forward with getting the junk out of our house so that it’s nicer to live in, and easier to keep clean.
And I’ve made sure to tell him how much I love him, writing him haiku poems (not love poems though actually, just poems that are pretty, things I think he’d like).
We’ve been trying to do more of that, and have committed to slowly filling up our poetry book. To give us something positive to share together that we can both look through if either of us is feeling down.
None of these are bad things to be doing, it’s probably more productive, and better for him to *feel* loved. Though also, none of them is following through with the goal I set for myself, which isn’t exactly good either, because I knew I was specifically avoiding it. (I’m circumventing that by writing a sort of post about him, even if it’s not the post I had in mind it IS a post. It suffices for the purposes of reaching my own goal. :3 )
I guess that does show me something though, most of my affection tends to show itself in giving hugs, and just *feeling*. I can be overwhelmed by how much I love my dearest, sometimes just by looking at him.
My emotions, can be very intense for me, though in the case of how I feel about him it’s a fairly steady hum. He tells me often that he loves me, and I think sometimes that we have become so much of each others lives that we really are like two trees growing together.
Perhaps it’s not societies standard of “healthy” because I cling so much, and he’s had to learn to live with that, and the result is that I’m just a commonplace feature in his life that he doesn’t always go out of his way to remind me how much he loves me.
(Though lately he’s been trying to do more of that, because he knows how much it means to me.)
But even with that being the case I don’t think I could have a “normal” love.
I’m not a “normal” person.
He isn’t either; he’s a wonderful person, who “thinks too much” by most of societies standards (which I adore) and who has “unconventional opinions” about the way the world should be. (mostly because he thinks that the emphasis in societies should BE on people feeling fulfilled and being happy, where as it seems to be on making money, and he thinks this is not creating happiness for most people. I agree.)
Happiness is not an easy thing to maintain, and between the two of us, I am often closer to “happy” than he is (due to his depression), though I worry more, about everything (due to my anxiety) but I think we help each other in that.
We try to work together to further our life goals… Sometimes this get’s stalled (like my thinking) sometimes it needs more work than we anticipated.
But we are a team; and that’s a goal I don’t ever stall on.